Not just another butt to wipe

Candice and I are now home and have been for a few days. I have been on vacation from the church, and I have be loving every minute of being with my newborn son. I don't know if everything has hit me yet as far as actually being a dad, but I am sitting here watching the 12 o'clock news and have this overwhelming feeling of protection. Story after story someone is killed or arrested. I pray that I can provide a safe home.

To the little dude.

So, here I am sitting here in the hospital waiting for you to show up. I can see your little heartbeat on the monitor and I can tell when you are sleeping. I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep due to some crazy dreams I have had about you, and last night was no different. Here I am awake before everyone else in the world and I am thinking.
First I thought that I wouldn't know what to do with a baby; I thought, "I am too rough". After came the questions, "What if I break you?" "Am I going to like you?" "Are you really a boy?" "What if you come out a girl?" and other crazy things.
I also thought of what you might like to do once you get older. Are you going to play soccer or football? Play piano or guitar? Like computers or fishing? Work on cars or chase the ladies? Whatever it is I will be there with you (except the chasing ladies. Mom won't like that).
I then started saying our pregnancy catch phrase of "I just can't wait to meet the little guy." But now as I sit here and wait I can't help but think, "I've already met you. We've known each other for a while now, and at times have even played together already. I just don't know what you look like (here's to praying it's like your mother)." The first time I felt you move I burst into tears. Then there was the first time I would push on you 3 times and you pushed back 3 times. All the times your mom and I have sat there and just watched you squirm. It's just been pretty awesome.

I think back to what Stephen (you can meet him soon, he's a little weird but we like him anyway) told me he said to all of his kids that were born, "Yahweh is the God of the universe and He sent Jesus as his son to the world to die for all sin." I know you can't read yet, but I'll tell you all about it as soon as I can get you in my arms.

Good tunes and good times

So after a friend kind of had a part in me feeling convicted I deleted all the pirated music off my computer. I know how music can influence pretty much everyone, but if you are listening to the same songs over and over it kind of gets to be like stale bread. I've felt this way for the past couple years, and all I did was blame the artists for not coming out with better music. So this same friend who had a bit to say about my pirating music shared pandora.com with me, and I can once again say that I am excited about music again! No longer am I just expecting what comes next in the iTunes shuffle, but I am hearing songs I have never heard before from my favorite artists. On top of that pandora takes your musical tastes and puts that in some sort of matrix based on who likes the same things and plays other music for you from other artists. So I'm also finding new artists to know and love. I really can't get over it. Now I have lots more loud music to annoy everyone in my vicinity with when I start to rock out.

With all of that being said Candice and I are really starting to try to figure things out. This baby is coming so soon and there was an issue this week. It cleared up very quickly and I have no doubt that it was God. So I'm still trying to figure a bunch of junk out before he gets here. I don't even know how to go about trying to find a pediatrician, but it is something that I am just going to have to learn.
It's kind of scary. I guess I am just too much of a self-centered person to consider how much goes into taking care of a baby. I haven't seen a doctor in years and it's just one of those things that I don't think about. I guess priorities are changing and I better step up to make sure this little dude is going to be taken care of in the best way possible.

Break Down of the last 24 hours

8/31
9:20 AM
Mom called during staff meeting. Ignored. Texted "In staff meeting is this an emergency?"
Reply: "Can you pick me and Laura up at Atlanta Airport and drive us to Augusta"
I texted back "Sure lol"

12 PM
Called Mom to talk about big issues with the pregnancy with Candice. She says we don't have to come pick her up any more.

9PM
Mom asks if I could still pick her up and take her and Laura to Augusta. I agree.

9:25 PM
Facebook post: "Okay this may sound weird but is there anyone in the Greater Atlanta Area who wants to ride with me to Augusta and back tonight? I kind of need someone who I like to help keep me awake."
Also a few phone calls made to people to see if they wanted to go.

9:33 PM
Kevin Blackwell agrees to go.

11PM
Pick up Kevin.

11:40 PM
Arrive at Airport. Many phone calls to Mom and Laura... no answer

11:50 PM
2 Cups of coffee at a diner close to the airport and conversation with Kevin.

9/1
12:30 AM
Back at airport. Still no answer after many calls. Bathrooms closed. Meet a Haitian woman who has 20 grandkids from Miami. Then I meet Charles and start talking to Charles about God.

12:50 AM
Still talking to Charles about God.

1:00 AM
Buying Charles a cheeseburger at Wendy's in the airport.

1:05 AM
Mom's plane lands

1:15 AM
Meet Mom and load the Jeep up.

1:20 AM
On the road to Augusta and have lots of good conversation with Kevin

3:50 AM
Drop Mom and Laura off in Augusta, turn around and head back to Atlanta

4:25 AM
Getting tired and eyes get heavy. Looking for Gas Station

4:27 AM
Jeep hesitates and skips a little bit... now wide awake, and desperately seeking a gas station.

4:40 AM
Sign for BP Gas Station!

4:42 AM
Pull up to BP... closed...

4:45 AM
In depth discussion about whether to stay at the gas station till it opens or go down to the next one.

5:00 AM
Gas station still closed. After using Kevin's iPhone to look up the next gas station we finally decide to head to the Koziers Aamaco.

5:16 AM
We pass the place where Koziers Aamaco is supposed to be. "Dat der green dot passed dat der red dot."

5:17 AM
Decision to keep going forward to the next station is made.

5:20 AM
Passed the point of no return

5:25 AM
no more gas... no more forward motion... middle of no where.

5:26 AM
Get 1 bar of service and see the next gas station is 8 Miles up the road.

5:34 AM
Started walking and trying to hitchhike. Logging trucks are passing as are the occasional jerk who speeds up as they pass

5:38 AM
Kevin sees a shooting star

5:42 AM
Kevin is peeing on the side of the road

6:00 AM
Still walking

6:10 AM
Still walking... hearing coyotes

6:11 AM
Discussion on horror movies that start out with a broken down vehicle in the country

6:37 AM
See well kept up land scaping.

6:40 AM
Walking pass a golf course. I decided to call the number on the sign.

6:41 AM
After talking with a man find out that we have about 4 miles left to go. I offer to pay him $20 to take us. He accepts.

6:42 AM
Kevin and I celebrate like little girls as a pickup truck pulls up.

6:47 AM
Arrive at gas station... no gas cans.

6:50 AM
Find the only mechanic/auto parts store in town and buy a gas can.

6:53 AM
Fill up the gas can and head back.

6:58 AM
Can't figure out how to attach the spout to the gas can.

7:03 AM
Guy who picked us up figures it out and we fill the Jeep up.

7:05 AM
Back on the road.

7:29 AM
Very tired again and not able to continue. Kevin suggests power nap and energy drink.

7:37 AM
Pulled into a gas station and have a good power nap and Monster Energy Drink

8:02 AM
Back on the road with Project 9-6-1 giving us lots of great music to jam to.

9:44 AM
Drop Kevin off.

10:00 AM
Arrive Home.

10:02 AM
Asleep on couch.

Intentional intentional intentional

This morning I got a phone call from a man who said that he had stuff to drop off for "The Garage Shop." Essentially we have a system in place where kids 1st-5th grade have a chance to earn Jesus Bucks by doing things like bringing their Bible to church, bringing a friend, or even if they are just going above and beyond what is expected of them at church. On the last Sunday of the month we open up shop for the kids. It's pretty much like Chuck E Cheese tickets with those type of prizes.
So the call comes in and I wait for him to come in and drop off the expected super balls and whoopee cushions. He strolls in with 3 backs loaded with stuff! We're talking Zhu Zhu Pets, (which if you aren't involved with children is a very hot commodity) Lego sets, and even a DS i with a game. Usually when you buy stuff for the church you get reimbursed and the whole time he was standing in my office I was thinking, "Well there goes my budget." He then mentioned a hard lesson that I had to learn that was pretty stinking expensive and said "Here's another lesson for you. Purposefully put money away that you can give away later. I can't afford to go get a cup of coffee this morning, but I could afford to go out last night and get all of this for you guys." He then went on to talk about how he and his wife intentionally put money aside every month just to give away. They don't touch it, and they don't need to. Every once in a while they find someone that could use their help and they don't even second guess helping them because they have been intentional about preparing to help. There was no thought of "Let us examine our budget and get back to you," or "Hey I've got the electricity bill to pay and that is consuming all of our extra resources right now." Because of this man and his wife taking that money monthly and putting a "To Give Away" sign on it they don't have to think about any extra money in the budget because they made it part of the budget, intentionally. Amazing... truly amazing.

Part of the deal with accepting this job was the understanding that I would raise my own salary, and I have to deal with the "Let me see if I have room in the budget." I'm not harping on people because I think they are tightwads or anything like that. This is more of an introspective look at my own intentionality. I'll admit that I do not set money in a pile to give away, and if I saw the pile of money there and there was a bill to pay I don't know if I would be strong enough not to use it. The look on this man's face when he talked about how he could just go through Toys-R-Us and spend this money without a qualm or the heart palpitations that it would give the rest of us was absolutely priceless. The money wasn't his any longer he was just managing it, and before he could do that he had to be intentional about giving it away.

Thanks Bryan.

Good Bye Flip-Flop. I'll miss you

This is the scene of the crime where God stole my flip-flop. There I am having a rough day and I find a nice quiet spot to vent with a small stream running through it. So I roll my jeans up and start just wading in the shallows, then kathump! I sink up to my knee in mud. I manage to get my leg out, but there is no flip-flop. I am covered in mud, sand, and water trying to find the hole which has already filled up with more mud and there is just no use. So I get up laughing because not only did God steal my flip-flop He was beating me over the head with it. I went out to this place expecting quiet time and it's not what I needed. I needed the reminder that in the end, God is still in control.
I've been told in the past that I'm a pretty hard headed guy. I don't like to think that I am, but I guess if it takes God pushing me down in a cold-muddy stream then I guess I am. I can't help but think "God you owe me a flip-flop" but I understand it was never my flip-flop in the first place, neither was the $5 I payed for them at Old Navy. No need to push me in the stream again, God. I get it.

Pregnancy ups, downs and innies turning into outies

Pretty much everyone knows that Candice, my wife, is pregnant. We're due to have a little boy on November 15th, hopefully at a reasonable hour. Over the past few weeks things really have gotten hard for her. She can't get comfortable at night, toe nails which need to be painted are a strain to even see, and feet are swelling and are in a constant state of needing massage. Me as the husband, provider, and body guard am finding myself fulfilling these rolls, mind you terribly. Last night while laying on the couch after an extremely busy weekend, she sat next to me and up came the feet. I rubbed, I stroked, and tickled just to try to get her to feel better. At the end of it she was still pretty miserable. She is constantly hot and this makes it hard for her to sleep at night along with my stealing of covers and mindless jabber through dreams. It seems like she can't do any simple thing without getting out of breath or just needing a break. Even her belly button has transformed from the cute little navel to what I now call "The Eye of Sauron." All these little things would drive me nuts. I can't stand to be tired or feeling helpless, and I can't imagine how she feels. But every 2 or 3 nights she lays back on the head board or the couch and pulls her shirt up over her gargantuan belly and watches little Jude move. That really makes everything all worth it I'm sure. Pregnancy can seem like hell to an ignorant outsider such as me, but to see that baby move and even more so to feel it... amazing and I think it probably makes it all worth it.

God showed up

Every Thursday at 6:30 we have a men's Bible study. Stephen usually leads this group, but this week he was in Savannah so he asked me to fill in. Not too hard of a job, but still one that takes some effort and study. I prepared a basic outline, did some Greek study, read through a commentary, and came up with a page of notes and open ended questions to fuel the discussion. Well last night I didn't get much sleep, and I got to the place where we meet early with the anticipation that no one was going to show up. Safe to say I was in a bit of a bad mood.
6:30 rolls around then 6:35 and I was telling myself, "Two more minutes then I'm going up to the church to take a nap then get to work." I take a couple sips of coffee and in walks Taylor. Taylor has been going to the group longer than I have but even still I have not connected with him or gotten to know him. So I made it a point to just try and get to know him from the other end of the table.
We talked the entire hour about marriage, growth in Christ, and everything in between. I really got to know Taylor, and he got to know me. After an hour had passed he offered to buy me breakfast, and if you know me I never turn down a free meal. So at breakfast we continued our talk and we discussed my fund raising. By the end of the meal he had told me that he was going to talk to his wife about what they can contribute to me.
It went from a morning where I was tired and grouchy about no one showing up to Bible study, to me making a connection with someone and building a relationship. It's just amazing how the small things that happen show how active God is in our lives. Taylor had said he didn't even set his alarm because he didn't want to come today, but he still just popped awake at just the right time.

Longings vs. Failures

Throughout my life I have always considered myself an optimist. My mother always commented on that and I genuinely believed that the proverbial glass was half full. I started to take refuge in that and "everything's cool." That's just how I roll and always have.
So I started going through one of the text books that I breezed through without much thought. I don't even remember the class, and I just remembered the name of the professor that taught it (I'm on the 5th chapter). This book is supposed to be used for small groups but it also is a pretty good self devotional book, titled Holy Conversation by Richard Peace. Just for a brief overview, the book is set up to facilitate conversations with believers and non-believers about... well God (sounds cliche).
Well Mr. Peace has brought up a small amount of inner turmoil for me. As I stated earlier I am on Chapter 5 which is entitled "Talking about Need." I read a small passage talking about a guy who had everything going right in his life. Then the discussion questions are designed to for us to probe inward at what makes us tick to see how to talk to other people about what makes them tick. These discussion questions started talking about the longings and desires that we feel, and asked how God used these or fulfilled these. The page and a half talked about how we can easily talk about our hopes, aspirations, longings, and desires rather than our fears and failures. It states clearly, "The bottom line. Wheras it is often difficult to talk about our faults an failings, it is much easier to discuss our hopes and aspirations. These longings come from God and direct us back to God."
I wrote a side-note. "Why do I feel opposite???"
So thought... and I prayed.... and I thought some more. Am I not a true optimist? I'm feeling pretty negative right now. I feel like my half glass of water has evaporated and I just have the white crust at the bottom.
As I sit here writing this I am just constantly looking at the word feel two lines up. "I feel" "I'm feeling" I'm getting off this emotional roller coaster. I choose to see my cup as Psalm 23 says it to be. Sorry if I disappointed you and you wanted to have a pitty party with me.

Rough Morning

Yesterday morning I was recruited for one of the many crazy tasks around this house, loading and transporting an extremely heavy entertainment center to a consignment shop. My sister-in-law's fiance and I were the two logical choices because we are two handsome strapping young men, if I do say so myself. We had two supervisors, Sherri and her Dad. Everything went smoothly, until we had to carry it into the shop. I had to duck down 2 inches to get it through the door, and that's when it happened; I have once again hurt my back.
2 inches.
Seems like everything that happens to me on the negative end of the spectrum happens because of a small margin. Either I didn't act quick enough or hard enough, or I acted too quickly and too aggressively. I need some balance in my life, but I think that would probably take a strong back... I'm going to the chiropractor.

Psalm 22

Psalm 22

I have really tried to get more into the scriptures more everyday. I hate to say it but actually reading and being in God’s word has always been a struggle for me. I have always really approached it as a last resort. “Okay God you aren’t talking to me through a burning bush… so I guess I’ll go read the Bible or something,” has pretty much always been my thought. This morning in my preparation of scripture memory verses (which I also shamefully admit that I am not disciplined enough to do) I came across the last words of Jesus on the cross from the book of Matthew, “Eloi, Eloi lama sabachthani?” -which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt. 27:46 NIV) After reading it I can remember every professor who ever discussed this verse saying that it was a quote from the 22nd Psalm, and in coming across it this morning I realized that I don’t think I had ever read the 22nd Psalm in that context, if ever. So I turned back a couple hundred pages in the Bible and read it.

I was stunned. I have been feeling like God really owes me a break lately. Fund raising is going terribly, I am stuck in my in-laws basement, we can’t get traction financially, and it’s really starting to get to me. But as I read through this psalm I felt comforted. In Jesus quoting this text from the cross, we are often confused about why Jesus was saying that God had abandoned him and how He could even do that because Jesus was in fact God incarnate. Well if we read down to verse 19 “But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me.” It all starts to make sense. This is not Jesus whining to Daddy about not helping but instead a proclamation of full reliance on God the Father. Bam, I feel like a whiny red-headed stepchild at the family picnic (an oh so wise idiom picked up from my mother). Maybe this situation is not God just trying to get a rise out of me but rather it is a call back to him. I’m not trying to claim understanding of God’s ways, but this thought is setting my spirit at ease. None of the things that have been bothering me can compare to what the David was writing about or what was clearly experienced by Jesus. I am weak, and I think that’s the lesson to be learned here. I lean on my own understanding and care too much about the things in my life.

Maybe this epiphany will help kick my butt into getting into the Bible more, I think it will.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2022&version=TNIV